Summers Revenge

I used to have dreams. I still do, I just want a normal life where things dont have to be epic and outrageous. The past 72 hours have been blowing my mind with nonstop small explosions in my brain. It hurts so bad that I know the world around me is crashin everything and everyones falling apart. But in this day and age everyone thinks theyre something theyre not and everyones opinion of others is fucked by other peoples ideals and views and the cycle just goes and goes..no one knows how theyre precieved or who they even are though all the mirrors on mirrors.

This by the way has nothing to do with modeling or dudes or any of that stuff.. its about family, my disfunctional little unit of the monster who has a constant meeting with a bottle, the seasonal mess and a sister caught in the middle.

Today I just sat, I sat on Jaci's couch in New Brunswick NJ for the whole day from 10 this morning until 6 pm when I left to come back to the city. I sat there and just thought about my life..and how I wish I could just live on that couch forever. I felt so sick so disgusted with how fucked my life is I wanted to throw up, and before I actually did I left. I just want someone to care about at the end of the day. Im sick of my reputation but I cant help it that everyone in my life leaves, and that everyone that says is there for the wrong reasons, boys Ive loved, girlfriends who have betrayed my trust which they will never regain, guy friends who have just wanted in the end to try and fuck me, girls who just want free shit. The only person I can depend on for every emotional need you have to get from another person I have to give myself it seems. Just put me in a box and send me into the sea already. Because I cant live this life anymore.

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my two front teeth getting knocked out in lacrosse, it happend this very evening my Jr year of highschool. Ive had gold front crowns ever since. So I guess it really goes to show Ive worn this fake smile for a long time now..